Still.
I know, I know - it's normal. Apparently, after a miscarriage, it can take a long time for hormones to return to their usual levels where I am only semi-crazy instead of full on certifiable.
Yesterday I was all out of whack. Like I couldn't make sense of anything and I couldn't let myself be okay with the not making sense. Like I wanted to force my life into my mold and shove, pout at, or be real mean to anyone [or any Deity] who got in my way.
Please tell me that when your hormones are misbehaving, your thoughts and emotions feel like they are coming unraveled and tumbling out of control. Please, please tell me that. If it's not true I'm prolly officially bound for the loony bin.
"Please help me. I want to have faith. I want to depend on you. Please help me." That [or some variation of that] is all I could pray. And by the end of yesterday I just wanted to go to sleep so I didn't have to be awake anymore.
Sad, but true.
Today, though, God's Word was waiting patiently for me to turn to it for guidance and sanity.
Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. 1 Peter 2:2-3
The Message says to "drink deep of God's pure kindness [so] you'll grow up mature and whole in God." And it just reminded me that I know God's kindness. I have been drinking it deep for a long time. I just have to remember that I know it. Fight the amnesia, you know?
And then as I read Sarah Young's Jesus Calling, I was reminded to live life in this very moment. And in those moments when I'm wrought with hormonal crazies, I just have to choose to believe that He will make it better. That He will work all of this for good. That He does hear my prayers and He does answer them in His time. That He is good and kind and loving and wise. That He Is. I just have to remember that He is near even when He seems far. I just have to choose to believe enough for this moment.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
And I have to embrace my weakness - my absolute inability to do much of anything right this second - and wear it like a badge of honor. Because His power is made perfect in my weakness.
Emily, we all have "times" in our lives when we feel just what you described! But PTL, God gave you the perfecdt Scripture verses! We have such an awesome God who loves us in spite of who we are are, what we do or even what we're feeling. I thank God for you, Emily! You are a very special young lady and God uses you in sooo many ways to touch hearts....including your own little family. I love you, sweetie.....Ms Sherry
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words, Em! It is different from what you are going through, but we are dealing with the loss of a 3rd family member in 4 months. Your words, and HIS promises are true. He IS, HIS timing IS perfect, HE IS loveing, HE IS in control. I'm praying for you, and thank you for being honest and touching so many people with your honesty.
ReplyDeleteLove, Betsy
P.S. if you are certifiable, join the club. It isn't just you ;)
I think there's a book or devotional called "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On." Reminds me a lot of this. We may not know the next step, we may not even know the next breath. We do know the One who does.
ReplyDeleteI taught The Hiding Place to my honors classes this year. Corrie Ten Boom made the comment "There are no 'ifs' in God's Kingdom. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will! Don't let me go mad by poking about outside it." As hard as it is - - - this is where we are all at or will be at some point.
His Will for this and for all things will be revealed eventually. In the meanwhile - praying for you.
Remond me to share with you about the delightful journey hormones and I shared a year ago. One of my relatives calls it "spinning". Everything spins faster and faster and anything in your way is likely to get hurt. The worst part is that in the moment, all rational, logical behavior is off the table, and you feel completely justified in whatever unacceptable behavior you display. Deep down, somewhere, you know it is NOT ok to throw temper tantrums, but in the spinning moment, you don't care. So...yes, I understand completely, and no you're not completely certifiable, just slightly. :)
ReplyDeleteGod always provides exactly what we need, though it might not always be what we want. But who are we to question the creator of the universe? I enjoyed reading through some of your posts! Thanks for sharing your strength!
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