Yesterday, over coffee and catch-up with one of my dearest friends, Michal Lynn, she recounted a conversation with our other friend Christin. It went like this:
Michal Lynn: God keeps telling me to study the book of Hosea.
Christin: Oh! That's what I'm about to start in my chronological Bible!
Michal Lynn: [Eye roll] Well, great!
Christin: I wonder what God is doing...
Michal Lynn: I don't know, but it makes me nauseated.
This is the point at which I burst into loud laughter and interrupted all of the Starbucks patrons quiet brooding sessions. It resonated with me because - Me, too! It makes me nauseated, too. Primarily because when I feel like I am being moved toward something that I cannot see, it often results in the greatest challenge of my life. It really results in what I had in mind.
I peeled back the crisp pages of Rebekah Lyons' book, Freefall to Fly yesterday. Actually, full disclosure: I read the intro in the bookstore as I was trying to make my decision. Let me tell you - there is reason I tried to get out of choosing this one. It's rattling me just like I knew that it would. Thank you, Rebekah, dear, for writing down all of my deepest insecurities and forcing me to put words to them in my mind.
Another laugh out loud moment with ML: I'm officially on Varsity. God's like, No more JV for you! You have a problem - here's your verse. Work it out.
That's what He's doing - He's steady peeling back the layers of issues that I never knew were a thing. We are now getting into the tricky parts that are not blatant sin but are heart issues, and unaddressed will lead me into failure and unrest and ineffectiveness over and again.
I don't want to read this blasted book - but I can't put it down. See? Wrestling.
Back to the part where what God's doing makes me nauseated. I think that my heart believes a thing about Him that isn't true. I always assume, that if I see two options - one looks like what I would choose, what I desperately want and the other looks like the hardest situation I can imagine right this moment - God is obviously going to lead me to the most difficult one. It's not that I think that He doesn't like me, or thinks it's fun to pin me to the ground in submission [I have believed that before, though]. It's just that maybe He knows that I know Him better when in challenging situations. Couldn't I know Him better in seasons of rest and joy, too? I don't know.
Wrestling.
All I'm saying is that maybe it shouldn't make me nauseated. I joke about how God probably will make me do the harder thing - and the truth is if He does, I'll grab His hand and walk right through it because I have come to believe that He knows what is best - but I wonder if maybe I'm not giving God enough credit in the kindness area. Or maybe I'm giving Him just enough and side-stepping the health, wealth, and prosperity issue.
I don't know. More wrestling.
What do you think?
I'm afraid that it's making me timid - afraid to dream because God's plans and my dreams rarely appear to be the same. I don't want to be timid or squelched or afraid. Something's off, but I'm not sure how to right it.
This is what I'm saying - I wrestle!
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You are so right! Nauseated is the perfect description. One thing I'm learning is the everyday-ness of God's gifts. I think we live expecting big things to happen in our lives and see them as blessings or whatever you want to call them because that's how we do gifts in the here and now. But really the very fact that I wake up at all should be a miracle to me! But, like you, I wrestle. And I also think God does lead us to the harder thing. It's like that prayer about asking for wisdom to know the difference between things we can change and things we can. Maybe the fact that God is giving us glimpses of His path for us is kindness. I don't know. But it doesn't make for any less wrestling. That's for sure.
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