Confessions

I thought I'd do a little bit of everything sort of post. All I can promise is that it will be truthful...and maybe a little sloppy. Read at your own risk.

1. There are so many things about motherhood I am deeply moved by - desperately in love with. Like watching Adelle's heart unfold in front of my eyes...watching her little God-created spirit bloom, her kindness evolve, her compassion grow, and her interests pop against the backdrop of life - it's humbling and fascinating and I cannot believe I get to be a part of it, for her and the other two behind her.

2. One thing about motherhood that I am flat fed up with is the clean up of other people's bodily fluids. I feel like I am forever wiping hineys, washing sheets, and suctioning snot. Y'all - I'm just not a fan. It's a thing that I cannot seem to get used to. I mean, I do it, obviously. And it's not like a shocking thing when it happens, but when it does, I always think, "Oh. My. Gooooooosh." Every single time.

3. I used to send cards. Like, I would spend an hour or more in Hallmark carefully handpicking the cards that made me laugh and think of one particular person. It was my thing, and I genuinely loved doing it. I even had a stockpile of funny cards that I was saving for just the right recipient at just the right time. I don't even know what it would be like anymore - to stand in any place for an hour or more just reading cards. I feel a little sad about that.

4. Adelle is starting kindergarten next year. At a place that is not my home. We are in a massive struggle of both faith and reality as we choose what's best for her and what can actually be afforded. As I enjoyed the no sleep curse of pregnancy last night, I could hardly bear the thought of sending her anywhere all day every day next year. I don't want her to stay home. She doesn't want to stay home. I know that it's time, but I think that I'm having a hard time letting go...and I never thought I'd be a mom who had a hard time letting go.

5. I am genuinely struggling with asking God for much of anything in regard to this pregnancy because my baby-having experiences, no matter how diligently I've prayed for them, have not gone smoothly in the past. I think I am masking my lack of belief in God's desire to give me a good experience with an "I trust His plan," attitude. Really what I feel is weary, and whatever, and let's get this over with. I'm sad about that, but I don't really know how to deal with it.

 

And there you have it. The things that have been bouncing around in my head this week. What's been bouncing around in yours??