A glimpse at the wrestling match inside my head.

A thing looms before me that is too big to touch. I can't even roll it around in my head to get a feel for it because it's so foreign - so other than anything I could dream up - or, quite frankly, would ever want to. It's a thing that, at this point, I should probably be praying FOR - but I can barely bring myself to pray ABOUT.

I'm not meaning to be vague and cryptic. I'm not even talking about one thing in particular. I'm just contemplating how Abe, Isaac, and Jacob prayed. We get so little of what they talked to God about. There's a lot of prayer about conception but not that much about direction. What do you think that means? It seems as though they just waited for God to say, "Go," and they went. Isaac just moved around digging wells until they hit one that no one argued about. There's an overarching sense that God was in control of it all, but there's little direct conversation with Him detailed.

I wonder if sometimes we make too much of "God's will." We glorify it and worry over it and feel certain we are missing it. I wonder if often times He makes it slap obvious that we should be taking that job, making that move, starting that conversation, etc. I wonder if we agonize over whether or not it is direction from Him because we are so hoping that it isn't. I mean, we are half hoping that it isn't. Wait, mostly hoping. Wait, only a little hoping. This is one of the reasons I love our God so much. He slowly and gently keeps pointing us toward a thing. "Yes, yes. I see it, God. Are we sure this is from you? Because nothing about it makes sense." And then He reminds you of every story there ever was in the history of the world about people following Him and you remember, for the eight hundredth time, that none of those made sense either.

So you just stand there and stare at it until you start to get nauseated. Then you take a break and pretend that it isn't there, patiently waiting for you to turn around and consider it again. But somehow, through a conversation that could only have happened if God strategically orchestrated it, you do turn around again and start to consider it as a real thing.  Somehow, the excitement begins to match the fear, or they take turns winning wrestling matches in your heart.

Maybe it's time to start praying specifically for a thing instead of just vaguely mentioning it in prayer because I know I can't pretend it isn't real but I really don't want it to go any further than this. Maybe.

What do you think?