The Why

Be careful that no one falls short of the grace of God, so that no root of bitterness will spring up to cause trouble and defile many. See to it that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected. He could find no ground for repentance, though he sought the blessing with tears.…When God convicts me of a deep-rooted sin in my life, I find that it’s generally a good idea to reflect on how it got that way to begin with. Where did this start? Why do I struggle against it? So, with this deep discontent, I did the same. Hebrews 12:15-17

Why? Why did I fall out of love with mothering? Why did it become a heavy weight upon my shoulders? It isn’t because of my kids. My kids are imperfectly awesome  - seriously. So, why?

Because the reasons I fell in love with idea of mothering were selfish. Here are the lies I believed:

• Motherhood will fulfill, elevate, and complete me. This doesn’t negate my desire to have my kids grow up in a tender, loving home, but I also leaned on motherhood selfishly.
• Homemaking will allow me to do things my way - and motherhood is a significant piece of that. I held tightly to control and felt frustrated when things didn’t go my way. In parenting, things pretty much never go according to the plan.

So, I began to look elsewhere, to consider that I’d like to get a job and not be home anymore. There’s nothing wrong with working outside the home, but I was looking for something other than what God himself to fulfill me. Suddenly, I was Esau, ready to sell what God had entrusted me with for something that felt better in that small moment. 

Did you have certain expectations about motherhood? How have they panned out, and how does that affect your joy?